I have lost count of the days. It’s been decades now. Maybe centuries. How terribly I regret my anger and the fire of revenge that burned me, left me to die in this hell, only I can’t die. It’s a curse to be immortal. To roam the earth with no purpose, to wake up every day and exist. To wait for death which seems centuries apart. Until the last avatar appears, until the end of Kaliyug.
Ahhh, Immortality for many is a blessing. For me, it has always been a curse. Lord Krishna cursed me to be immortal. I still feel the pain, blood flowing down my forehead. Consumed with anger and hatred, I invoked the Brahmastra, the most powerful weapon that had the power to destroy the three worlds. After my immoral attack on the last heir of the Pandavas, Lord Krishna cursed me with immortality. His brutal words still pierce my soul. Those years of my life, the days of the war, the days of silent attacks and burning hatred, those years define my life.
Huh, I remember the days of the war so vividly. Every single moment of the Kurukshetra war. Moments that haunt me. The day my heroic father died on the battlefield, defeated by deceit. The Pandavas weren’t my enemies until the moment they faked my death and killed the greatest warrior and teacher of all times. The day when all the Kauravas killed Abhimanyu, the legendary warrior. The day when I took my revenge and killed the sons of Pandavas and other warriors in their sleep. Truth be told, I regret it. I spent years trying to justify my actions to myself but I couldn’t. I have always known that what I did wasn’t right. Killing warriors in sleep only made me less of a warrior. A coward. Every waking moment I have regretted my choice and begged for forgiveness from the souls of those ferocious warriors. Somewhere, deep within me, I know that I deserve this. I did not protect Draupadi when she was humiliated in the Sabha. Rather I was one of those silent spectators who stood and enjoyed. I did not stop Duryodhan when he tried to kill the Pandavas. All my life I have made mistakes. Made the wrong choices. But I only realize it now, after centuries of roaming the earth. I was born and raised up with the Kauravas, and all my life I knew adharma to be dharma. I never thought that what I was doing was in any ways wrong, that the Pandavas deserved it. No they didn’t. They did posses a threat to Duryodhan’s rule but wasn’t it always Yudhisthir’s to rule?
Today I sit here, in this cave, somewhere on the earth. I felt the rise of the last avatar, he was feeling us. Beckkoning the chiranjeevis. Someday he’ll free me of this torment. The last avatar of Vishnu will forgive me. I live only for that moment. For the moment to fall in his feets and purify my souls of all sins. Someday.