I have performed the greatest sins. I did not fight against the Adharma. Instead, all my life I made choices that led me to fight against Dharma in this battle of Kurukshetra. And today I lay here, all alone on the battlefield, on a deathbed of arrows. This night marks the end of the 10th day of the war, and I can feel the sorrow and grief echoing from the tents of the Pandavas as they mourn my end. Arjun curses himself for piercing his arrows into me but I know that Amba was the cause of my destruction. I plotted my end when I abducted her and her sisters from their Swayamvar to forcefully marry Vichitravirya. Amba was a courageous woman, she voiced her thoughts and fought for her rights. She dared to speak against the greatest warrior of the time and reminded him of the rules of society. I did destroy her life, left her to suffer as everyone denied marrying her because of me. Her own family denied accepting her because of me and I justify her fire of revenge. Years and years of severe penances and lord Shiva granted her the boon. She reincarnated as Shikhandi. And as I saw Shikhandi on the battleground I had to drop my weapons in respect to her soul. I had to die at her hands and I must be punished for what I did to her. All through the arrows that were fired at me, I looked at her. Her soul would finally be liberated.
I believe the oath of mine lured upon me as a curse. I stayed for too long. I vividly remember the day. Father had locked himself in his chambers for days then, spending all his time in solitude, refusing all the life pleasure. He was lonely. Mata Ganga, his first wife left him early. She drowned all his children, and as Shantanu, my father interrupted her, questioning her on her grave deeds, she left. Leaving me, her 8th son behind. Since then he was all alone, without a companion until he saw Mata Satyavati and instantly fell in love. She was the daughter of a fisherman. Her father denied accepting the marriage, and I rushed to convince him. All he wanted was to let Satyavati’s son reign the Kingdom and I at once agreed to it. Was the throne of greater value than my father’s happiness? He would be my younger brother and I would train him and prepare him myself to rule. But her father was afraid of the challenge my children would pose to the throne. Blind in love and respect for my father I agreed to take up lifelong celibacy(Brahmacharya) and deny myself the pleasure of a martial life. Since then, I was known in the world as Bhishma for my terrible vow. Father granted me the boon of Icha mrityu ( control over the time of my death). All I have known since then was to channelize my life in the welfare and protection of the Kuru vansh.
The oath led me to fire arrows at the Pandavas. It led me to fight against the Dharma. In pursuit of the promise, I was bound to fight for the Kauravas. I supported the Adharma. Though I devoted my life to righteousness, I performed sins that have led me to suffer today. Sins that led the war. I have witnessed the greatest evils. And I consciously know that Adharma lied in closing my eyes in avoidance instead of protecting Dharma. The vastra Haran. Will Draupadi ever forgive me? Each moment I lived since then, I regretted the choice I made in the halls of Hastinapur when Draupadi was molested by her own family in front of her husband. And none of us protected her. When she was dragged in the Sabha, I did not stand against it. When Duhsasan was ripping her off her clothing, I did not raise my bow and beheaded him. All I did was close my eyes. When she cried, pleading me to protect her, I did not raise my voice and ordered Duryodhan to stop. Forgive me Panchali.
Every warrior who fought the battle committed an evil that will haunt them until death. The Pandavas fight for what belongs to them, and with Shri Krishna as their Sarthi, no doubt they would win the battle.
When on our deathbeds, we look back at our lives. And all I see are choices I made. Choices I regret. Choices that ignited the great war. When faced with a dilemma to choose the Dharma or my oath, I chose the latter and that has made all the difference. This Ganga Putra- Devratt made some choices that pierced him today as he lay on his deathbed. Each arrow pierced in my body is a choice I shouldn’t have made. I am one of the greatest warriors of my time, and so I have lived one of the greatest lives of my time. Held in the prison of my oath and the shackles of conservative thinking, I was incapable of reflecting on my duties as the days passed. Though I took the oath of protecting the Kuru Vansh, I am one of the reasons for its destruction. Dharma always wins and so would the Pandavas triumph, defeating the Kauravas. In pursuit of protecting the Kauravas, the choices I made led to their destruction. For me, my duty was my Dharma. And duty lied in never giving up on the promise I made.
(read the story of Amba @ Amba- Into The Fire )
(read the story of Bhishma’s sacrifce from Shantanu’s point of view @Shantanu- Sacrifice of a son )
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