” It is about being conscious about the right and the wrong but still choosing the latter. It is about being aware of your strengths but using them for unjust cause.”
The power to end all of this lies in my hands. The war’s fate is my decision. On my choice to choose between 2 clearly parted sides, the Dharma(righteousness) and the Adharma (wrong). The god has chosen me, a Kshatriya(warrior) by birth who wasn’t aware of his identity up till today. I can feel the gentle breeze caressing me as the sun is setting, its rays radiating death and oblivion. Paving way for the darkness to engulf the world. All this time I had been eagerly looking for the answers to my life and now that I have them answered, I am consumed with horror and greif.
My life has completely changed. My perspective was a false reality all this time. Now that I know the truth, It isn’t easy for me to accept the fact that my enemies are my brothers. That I am a Kshatriya (warrior caste) by birth and that a real queen left me forever to an unknown world by drowning me in a river when she was supposed to nurture and love me as a mother. I had held up all of my feelings for so long that now I want them all to flow out of my heart. I am heartbroken. Tears are rolling down my cheeks as I write this. One of the greatest warriors of the age is crying and is miserable on the top of this mountain, my place of serenity but now I feel lonely.
This morning, I met my biological mother. Mata Kunti is my mother and the Pandavas- Yudhisthira, Bheem, Arjun, Nakul and Sehdev are my brothers. The beautiful Draupadi might be my wife and the vast kingdom of Hastinapur is for me to rule. All my life I was rejected for being a Sutaputra (a chariot driver’s son) though I had the skills. And now, I am being offered the position that I deserved but more than that I am being accepted for the love that I deserved. The war would end if I choose to. And with it will end my insecurities and I will live a wonderful life with my family, my kingdom, and the love of my life.
But now it’s too late. I cannot abandon Duryodhan ( rival of the Pandavas) who had been there for me when the world denied accepting me because of my birth. The archery competition had to be started with the contestants announcing their lineages to rank and place men of equal status. Arjun had proudly announced his royal lineage but I couldn’t. They wouldn’t let someone of the lower caste compete even though he had the skills. That’s when Duryodhan stepped in and instantly made me the king of Anga ( a kingdom) to make me equal in status. He identified that I was equal in skills and I deserved it. At that moment I felt like I was blessed and that I could do anything for the person who judged me for who I was as an individual and what merits I hold and not in which caste I was born. A person who wasn’t loved and accepted by society forever (except my parents) would even think of him as someone more than just a human.
I still remember when I asked him for whatever he wanted from me in return for his noble actions, all he said was” I want your endless friendship, Karna”. Is there any way I can deny that to him?
Maybe he supported me back then because he saw a strong ally in me who would strengthen his force in defeating the Pandavas but all I knew was he accepted me. How can I break that bond? I am consciously aware that what he desires isn’t right and his intentions are completely wrong but wouldn’t it be more wrong for me to break a forever promise?
Mata Kunti and Krishna are convincing me to prevent this war. Revealing my true identity, he said that I would then be the eldest of the 5 Pandavas and my brothers would happily accept me. That the enormous Hastinapur kingdom would be mine and beautiful Draupadi would also be my wife. By ending the war, I would have the world to rule and love and acceptance. But then I wonder, Mata Kunti didn’t accept me though I was her child. Maybe out of shame because she wasn’t married. The 5 Pandavas and the people of Hastinapur didn’t accept me and Draupadi rejected me in her Swayamvar(practice in ancient India to choose a groom from suitors who compete). I don’t know if she knew how much she had hurt my feelings for rejecting me even before competing to prove myself. She was under the veil of the caste system or maybe under the fear of society.
I promised Mata Kunti that whatever the result of the war, she would have her 5 sons alive. I won’t hurt the 4 Pandavas but only Arjun, so either it is me dying or him.
I know that I am choosing the wrong path, that peace is always the path of dharma but anyways I will fight. I will still choose the wrong course of action, for Duryodhan. I have the power but I close my wrist. I deny my instinct and I deny love, acceptance, family and status. I deny all of it. I had tried convincing Duryodhan but he is stubborn and the fire within him since childhood won’t die. So will not the fire within 100 of his siblings and other allies die. I would be known in history to be a villain. To be the one that supported the Adharma but at this point I choose it. I will fight against the righteous, against my blood relations.
This isn’t about being unaware and definitely not about ego. It is about knowing the right and wrong but choosing the latter. It is about knowing your strengths but using them for the wrong cause. It is about knowing that the world would know me as evil and a villain but still choosing to fight. It is about a warrior that could avoid a world war but did not. The war will happen at Kurukshetra eventually and thousands are going to die. The generations will have Draupadi, Shakuni, Duryodhan, Dhritarashtra, Bhishma, Pandavas, and everyone to blame but I know that even I had the choice. I am a victim of the circumstances and because of me, many families would be a victim of the war. I consciously feel sorry for my choice but I still choose to make it happen.
I feel cursed for my life and this curse is a forever one. A curse that would leave behind a false identity of me for ages to come. A curse that would mark me Adharmi but I would die being a tragic hero. A cursed hero.
2 Replies